Always

I can see it all. The sunny days, the stormy night, joyous highs and rocky lows. The moment we said yes for forever.

The failings we’ve had together and alone, the moments of strength and love – leaning on each other and learning as we go.

I see more, our future. I see everything we have before us. The ever growing highs, and hopefully fewer, but inevitable lows.

But always learning, always leaning on the other. And because of that it will always be you. By partner, my best friend, my person. The good, the bad. Always you.

Blink

When you weren’t looking there was such a deep heart-wrenching sadness in her eyes. You could see worlds breaking apart and stars being sucked into black holes.

Every storm and every tear on the brink of taking over her being.

But the second someone looked at her she pulled it all back behind a mask of happiness. If you blinked, you would have thought you’d imagined the whole thing.

Comfort Zones

Comfort zones are safe. They are where we run when things get too tough and when things scare us. We hide behind what we know and though we may get restless sometimes, we remain because once we start to move out of our comfort zones – we know longer know what will happen. We have no kind of control.

Moving from our comfort zone is terrifying. It’s hard. It’s stepping into the unknown. Outside of your comfort zone, you could mess up, fail, fall short.

BUT

What do you do? Do you stay there? Plan every detail of your life out to a tee? Do you keep saying, “Once this happens, then this will happen, and I can do that.”? Are you hiding behind these ideas and plans, but not moving forward?

Why?

Why do we do that? Why is it so important to us to remain in a safe place? Nothing happens there! It’s stagnant. Nothing grows. You remain. Stuck. Watching as the rest of the world moves forward.

Sometimes the best thing to do for yourself is just do something. Talk to that person you’ve been so afraid of talking to. Take that trip. Quit the job. Move.

Do it for yourself. Stop making yourself miserable and angry and upset because you’re so afraid of stepping out of your comfort zone.

Last Kiss

Their arms wrapped around one another for the last time. It was a long embrace. Longer than it seemed. It felt like it didn’t last nearly long enough. Neither of them wanted to let go. Both hearts breaking, both knowing that this was for the best. His arms loosened their grip first. She followed suit. They looked each other in the eyes for what seemed like an eternity to anyone passing by. But to them, it felt like it ended too soon. Tears fell from both of their eyes and brave, sad smiles crossed their faces. It was the first time she’d seen him cry.

He took a step back. He could feel his stomach turn at the sight of her tears. Lord help me. He knew he had to leave. He tore his eyes from hers and turned to walk toward his car.

She stood there watching. Tears streaming down her face. Wishing him, willing him not to leave her as he turned to go. She wanted to run after him. Please don’t go. Not yet. But she didn’t. She stood in the same spot and watched as he walked away from her slowly. She took a step backwards, not taking her eyes from his back.

He reached the car and forced himself not to look back. He knew if he did, he wouldn’t be able to go. He opened the door and slid into the drivers seat. Closing the door behind him. Only then did he look back at her. She was still standing there. Her hands reached up to wipe the tears from her cheeks as she slowly turned and walked toward her house. He watched as she reached for the doorknob and stopped. She took a deep breath before turning the knob and walking inside.

They both sat there. Him in his car, and her on the floor inside the house. Tears still coming down their faces.

See Ya Later

Don’t take this the wrong way, but I love you.

I mean in how I care about you and you’re well being. I want for the world see your worth and your talent. I want for all of your dreams to come to true. I want you to know that I’m rooting for you, even if I’m not around. I want you to know that even if you don’t need it, I’m here for you. I want you to know that you have one of the best hearts I’ve ever known and it hurts me to know it’s hurting. I want for you to realize that you are a better person than you even realize. I want you to grow and mature into the person I see you to be. I wish that I could explain it all. I wish that I could be the one by your side for it. But, at least right now, that’s not in the cards.

So for whatever happens, know that I’m always here. Know I’ll always believe in you. And don’t forget that you are a better person than you think you are.

Dear You

Its funny ya know? I told myself I wouldn’t let myself get hurt by another guy, but here I am. I was trying so hard to guard my emotions and working to not be seen as some clingy girl that I completely forgot to watch out for myself. I forgot to keep my heart in check and how to be me. I left myself vulnerable to your manipulations and your indifference. You tore down everything in your path that you didn’t like. You made me feel small. You made me feel like I wasn’t worth your time. You had better things to do. I wasn’t a priority. Not even in the top five if we’re being honest. But you were mine. I went out of my way to be there for you. To make you smile. To just hear your voice and be near you for ten minutes. I broke myself down to build you up and you didn’t even notice or maybe you just didn’t care.

Want to hear the kicker? I’m still making excuses up in my mind. I’m still telling them that I am happy. I keep the times I am happy at the forefront of my thought because that is what I want. I want the man that I know you have in you. I want the guy that smiles and laughs without a care. I want the guy that looks at me and tells me I’m his best friend just because he can. I want the guy that pulls me close and tells me I’m beautiful even when I look like a wreck. I want the guy that kisses me and smiles when we pull apart. I know you’re that guy. I see him. That’s the guy I want to be with.

But here I am, tears in my eyes as I try to breathe through this lump in my chest knowing that you don’t care about me like I care about you. Knowing that I miss you and you probably haven’t given me another thought. I go through my day doing just fine until my phone buzzes in my pocket and I nearly fall over trying to check it and I realize how much I hope it’s you. I miss hearing your song and voice.

I feel like the pathetic girl in the movies. And I’m not. I’ve never been that girl. I hate that girl. So I’ll sit here and force myself to calm down. Force myself to not think about it. Force myself to move past my anger and my sadness that’s mingled into every fiber of my being.

I know I’ll be fine.

But right this minute. Right now. I’m not. And I miss you.

Always,

Me

Who are you?

You’re happiness with a heartbeat. A light on rainy afternoons. A smile when I want to frown. You’re a walking contradiction. You act like this, while you talk like that. Your actions speak louder than words. And yet you make sure your words are what is most heard. With them you’re just another person, they bring you down. But you’re stronger, wiser, better. Yet you can’t see it. 

Who are you really? Another face in the crowd? A quiet brilliance? Afraid to care? You work hard, and yet you don’t. You stand up for what you care about, yet you let it confuse you. You runaway from confrontation, you’ll pretend it was never there when you come back. 
You are afraid of failure. But you still try. Yet even then you don’t make it a priority. Oh you say it is. You may even believe it, but it’s not. You just wait for it to fall in your lap.

Your words are like honey dripping off the tongue. Sweet and delicious, I take them in. I believe them, I trust them. They are coming from you. And yet you turn them on a dime. You back hand them to twist the sweetness out and nothing but bitterness remains.

So who are you?

A light at the end of the tunnel? Sweet words, kindness, strength, intelligence?

Naive? Waiting for things to land in your lap? Fearful to be contradicting in any light?

Who are you?

Writing Prompt IV

I sat calmly in the tiny interrogation room. The steel walls and concrete floor left a chill in the air. It felt good on my skin. I leaned back in my chair as a tall man dressed in a dark suit strode into the room from the single door to my left. He looked as though he had been up for days. I smiled to myself, I knew why I was here. The man threw a folder on the table in front of me and said, “Open it.” I opened the folder and flipped through the dozens of pictures. There was one from the Boxer Rebellion, Paris in the twenties, Audrey Hepburn at a party, and so many more. I smiled. So many old memories. I picked up one of a man and a woman in front of their antebellum home. On the back it said, Mel and Adam, 1859. The man took it from my hand and held it in front of me. It took everything in me not to laugh at his face, he was trying so hard not to look confused. 

“You’re in every single one of these photos.” I smiled at him. Poor guy, he has no idea. He threw the picture back on the table and looked me in the eye. I leaned forward and rested my forearms on its edge. 

“Do you have a question for me? Or did you do all of this to give me some old pictures I’m in?” This seemed to shock him. What? Did he think I would deny it? Oh, honey. At least you won’t remember any of this by tomorrow. Finally, he seemed to compose himself enough to ask me a question.

“Who are you?” 

Letter to 16 Year Old Me

Hey, you don’t know me yet, but I know you. I was you.

Well you are are 22 now, you’ve made it through the rest of high school and you’re almost done with college… Only a little later than you had hoped, but we’re there. As I am sitting here looking back at all the things we thought back then… I realize how naive I was. Don’t alienate your friends and don’t stick to just one person, they won’t always be there, but it will make for better memories in the future, I promise. Keep your faith, stay in church. Those friends you made there will last a lifetime and you will be able to count on them for anything. Most of them will even go to college with you.

Save your money, don’t spend it on trivial things like all those silly trinkets on trips and from target. They are just going to wind up in a bunch of boxes and baskets in your closet very soon. And then, mom will keep telling you to throw it all out, just do us both a favor and avoid them?

Spend as much time with Mimi as you can. Talk to her about God and faith. Talk to her about her childhood and her life. Talk to her about Granny and what mom was like as a child. Don’t miss a single chance to go somewhere with her, or to meet her at church. It doesn’t matter how tired you are, just go, or you’re going to regret it.

I know you just had your first heartbreak, but I promise you things will look up. There is something much better out there for you. They aren’t as bad as they seem. One day you’re going to find a man. So much better than anyone you have ever met. You’re going to be swept off your feet. Wait for that guy. Some people say you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince. Try to avoid the frogs. Wait for the man that makes you feel like a queen, you deserve nothing less.Oh, and stay away from anything long distance, just trust me on that one.

Never lose your sense of adventure. There will be times when you’re struggling and you can’t seem to find your way. Pray about it. Take a walk. Take a drive. Read your Bible. Find an adventure, it always makes your soul happy.

Finally, I know you’re struggling to figure out who you are, so let me tell you: you are strong. You are someone who is loyal and trustworthy. You are kind and sarcastic. You are protective of those you love, no matter what. You have bigger dreams than you think are possible to achieve, but you will. You are smarter than you let yourself believe. I hope you can remember all of that.

You will do so many amazing things, so keep your chin up!

– from 22 year old you

Being Strong

Its always the same old story. Girl meets boy, girl and boy fall in love, girl believes they will be together forever, boy breaks her heart. And usually the girl can get over it and be okay. Everyone always tells her how strong she is and that she is doing so great without him. She may even go on dates and kiss someone new. And people tell her she is strong. She is better off without that stupid boy that hurt her… But, even though its been a long time, the girl doesn’t feel strong. She isn’t able to move past this one as easily as others. She still cries when she comes across pictures of them. She still breaks down when she is alone at night and his memory flashes through her brain. She still wants to talk to him when she sees something funny happen during the day because she knows that he would laugh, too. She is still breaking and she doesn’t know why.

She has always been Miss. Independent. She was always the strong one, nothing could break her. She didn’t open up enough for someone to hurt her. But one day, she did. And it broke her.

And no one seems to care. Move on. You’re better than this. You’re strong… someone can be strong and still be breaking. Being strong doesn’t mean you don’t break, it means that you keep moving, you don’t stop and let it destroy you. But, you can still break.