Their arms wrapped around one another for the last time. It was a long embrace. Longer than it seemed. It felt like it didn’t last nearly long enough. Neither of them wanted to let go. Both hearts breaking, both knowing that this was the best thing for now. His arms loosened their grip first. She followed suit. They looked each other in the eyes for what seemed like an eternity to anyone passing by. But to them, it felt like it ended too soon. Tears fell from both of their eyes and brave, sad smiles crossed their faces. It was the first time she’d seen him cry.
He took a step back. He could feel his stomach turn at the sight of her tears. Lord help me. He knew he had to leave. He tore his eyes from hers and turned to walk toward his car.
She stood there. Tears streaming down her face. Wishing him, willing him not to leave her as he turned to leave. She wanted to run after him. Please don’t go. Not yet. But she didn’t. She stood in the same spot and watched as he walked away from her slowly. She took a step backwards, not taking her eyes from his back.
He reached the car and forced himself not to look back. He knew if he did, he wouldn’t be able to go. He opened the door and slid into the drivers seat. Closing the door behind him. Only then did he look back at her. She was still standing there. Her hands reached up to wipe the tears from her cheeks as she slowly turned and walked toward her house. He watched as she reached for the doorknob and stopped. She looked back one more time before turning the knob and walking inside.
They both sat there. Him in his car, and her on the floor inside the house. Tears still coming down their faces.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but I love you.
I mean in how I care about you and you’re well being. I want for the world see your worth and your talent. I want for all of your dreams to come to true. I want you to know that I’m rooting for you, even if I’m not around. I want you to know that even if you don’t need it, I’m here for you. I want you to know that you have one of the best hearts I’ve ever known and it hurts me to know it’s hurting. I want for you to realize that you are a better person than you even realize. I want you to grow and mature into the person I see you to be. I wish that I could explain it all. I wish that I could be the one by your side for it. But, at least right now, that’s not in the cards.
So for whatever happens, know that I’m always here. Know I’ll always believe in you. And don’t forget that you are a better person than you think you are.
It’s like I can’t feel anything. Not anger. Not sadness. Not happiness. Just… nothing all day.
And then I feel it all at once. This downpour of emotions just drowns me and my breathe is knocked out of my lungs as though someone punched me in the stomach. I can’t move. My eyes close and I just stand there as this flood of tears burns my eyes. I just stand there as this pain sweeps through my shaking body. I’m just there for little while. After a minute of trying to fight back the tears, they begin to fall down my face leaving little marks in their wake. I let out a quiet sob hoping no one can hear me. It seems like an eternity before my breathing slows down. It seems like hours when the tears finally stop.
And I can’t feel anything. No anger. No sadness. No happiness.
I may be drunk and my face is numb but I miss you. Gah I miss you. Every time my phone buzzes I hope it’s you. I miss you. I miss your smile and your eyes. I miss how you would grab my hand and walk through the street. I miss how you would tell me I was your best friend. I miss listening to you sing while you walked around and practiced. I miss your arms wrapped around me the second we were alone. I miss you. And I hate feeling like this. I hate this sudden loneliness and ache. I hate how much I miss you and how many years have fallen down my face. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I’m doing but I can’t do this. Gah I can’t do this.
I don’t understand your fear of me. Your fear of being with someone. I don’t understand how hard it is to show someone you care. It scares me, too. Opening up to people is hard, but that’s life. You can either hide behind it or you can put yourself on the line. Just let me in, don’t keep me at arms length.
Its funny ya know? I told myself I wouldn’t let myself get hurt by another guy, but here I am. I was trying so hard to guard my emotions and working to not be seen as some clingy girl that I completely forgot to watch out for myself. I forgot to keep my heart in check and how to be me. I left myself vulnerable to your manipulations and your indifference. You tore down everything in your path that you didn’t like. You made me feel small. You made me feel like I wasn’t worth your time. You had better things to do. I wasn’t a priority. Not even in the top five if we’re being honest. But you were mine. I went out of my way to be there for you. To make you smile. To just hear your voice and be near you for ten minutes. I broke myself down to build you up and you didn’t even notice or maybe you just didn’t care.
Want to hear the kicker? I’m still making excuses up in my mind. I’m still telling them that I am happy. I keep the times I am happy at the forefront of my thought because that is what I want. I want the man that I know you have in you. I want the guy that smiles and laughs without a care. I want the guy that looks at me and tells me I’m his best friend just because he can. I want the guy that pulls me close and tells me I’m beautiful even when I look like a wreck. I want the guy that kisses me and smiles when pull apart. I know you’re that guy. I see him. That’s the guy I want to be with.
But here I am, tears in my eyes as I try to breathe through this lump in my chest knowing that you don’t care about me like I care about you. Knowing that I miss you and you probably haven’t given me another thought. I go through my day doing just fine until my phone buzzes in my pocket and I nearly fall over trying to check it and I realize how much I hope it’s you. I miss hearing your song and voice.
I feel like the pathetic girl in the movies. And I’m not. I’ve never been that girl. I hate that girl. So I’ll sit here and force myself to calm down. Force myself to not think about it. Force myself to move past my anger and my sadness that’s mingled into every fiber of my being.
I know I’ll be fine.
But right this minute. Right now. I’m not. And I miss you.
Everyone was just arriving as I sat down across from Coincidence. My heart lurched as a smile crossed his lips.
“Look who I ran into,” he winked across the table. We kept running into each other. We kept dancing around the subject. I laughed.
“Oh please, it’s meant to be,” I brushed the hair from my hazel eyes. Fate wasn’t my name for nothing.