You’re happiness with a heartbeat. A light on rainy afternoons. A smile when I want to frown. You’re a walking contradiction. You act like this, while you talk like that. Your actions speak louder than words. And yet you make sure your words are what is most heard. With them you’re just another person, they bring you down. But you’re stronger, wiser, better. Yet you can’t see it.
Who are you really? Another face in the crowd? A quiet brilliance? Afraid to care? You work hard, and yet you don’t. You stand up for what you care about, yet you let it confuse you. You runaway from confrontation, you’ll pretend it was never there when you come back.
You are afraid of failure. But you still try. Yet even then you don’t make it a priority. Oh you say it is. You may even believe it, but it’s not. You just wait for it to fall in your lap.
Your words are like honey dripping off the tongue. Sweet and delicious, I take them in. I believe them, I trust them. They are coming from you. And yet you turn them on a dime. You back hand them to twist the sweetness out and nothing but bitterness remains.
So who are you?
A light at the end of the tunnel? Sweet words, kindness, strength, intelligence?
Naive? Waiting for things to land in your lap? Fearful to be contradicting in any light?
Who are you?
The human mind is truly the scariest place of all.
I thought about this as I laid in bed one night.
Different thoughts, memories, images, fears, goals, wishes – ebbing and flowing like the waves do for the moon. One thought leaves, as another comes right behind it. Crashing together for a moment and then disappearing into the depth of our minds.
Sometimes the sun shines, it is a perfect day. The waves are calm, you can relax. Nothing is waiting for you as you wade into the memories – into your own thoughts. You aren’t thinking about what is waiting beyond the break of the waves. The abyss isn’t so scary, its not even on our radar.
But, sometimes we lose things in there. We try to forget, to ignore, sometimes we let it eat us alive. Those things that swim around in our minds. They swim around and wait for their perfect moment to attack. And then we are drowning in the abyss.
Like the ocean – unexplored, unknown, full of other things – our minds are confusing, scary. They can help you, and hurt you. They can save you, or destroy you. They can be quiet and calm, or they can be like the crashing waves – waiting to drown you.
The human mind is truly the scariest place of all.
I sat calmly in the tiny interrogation room. The steel walls and concrete floor left a chill in the air. It felt good on my skin. I leaned back in my chair as a tall man dressed in a dark suit strode into the room from the single door to my left. He looked as though he had been up for days. I smiled to myself, I knew why I was here. The man threw a folder on the table in front of me and said, “Open it.” I opened the folder and flipped through the dozens of pictures. There was one from the Boxer Rebellion, Paris in the twenties, Audrey Hepburn at a party, and so many more. I smiled. So many old memories. I picked up one of a man and a woman in front of their antebellum home. On the back it said, Mel and Adam, 1859. The man took it from my hand and held it in front of me. It took everything in me not to laugh at his face, he was trying so hard not to look confused.
“You’re in every single one of these photos.” I smiled at him. Poor guy, he has no idea. He threw the picture back on the table and looked me in the eye. I leaned forward and rested my forearms on its edge.
“Do you have a question for me? Or did you do all of this to give me some old pictures I’m in?” This seemed to shock him. What? Did he think I would deny it? Oh, honey. At least you won’t remember any of this by tomorrow. Finally, he seemed to compose himself enough to ask me a question.
“Who are you?”
Panic. Anxiety. Struggling to breathe as you drown in your own stress and fears. Your heart pounding in your chest like a caged animal.
One moment you’re fine. The world is moving along, and suddenly it turns on a dime. You’re heart betrays you. Your mind shuts down. Your body crumples under your own weight. Pain, in the form of a panic attack courses through you and you can’t function. You just want to move and yet you can’t even move your lips. You lay there.
Oh, will it ever end? When can I breathe again? How can I make my heart calm down?
And every piece of you aches.
But just as quickly as it came, it’s gone. A dull throbbing still makes its way through your chest, but it loosens its grip. Your breathing comes easier. The clouds in your mind begin to clear.
And you sit there trying to gather yourself.
It’s just another day.
For someone who doesn’t trust people easily, and who fears getting too attached… he is an anomaly for me.
When he is around I feel safe. His smile pierced through every wall I had. I didn’t have a chance when his eyes met mine, and every part of me melted when our fingers intertwined, swaying to the sound of the music. When his arms wrap around me and his head rests on my own, I can feel my heart beating faster. His laugh is contagious. And, his voice makes my knees go weak. He is strong, and smart. He has a movie, or show or music, reference for everything. He calls me silly names to put a smile on my face.
I’m not sure where he came from but I do so hope he stays.
Something was different when I sat down next you and you smiled, clearly happy I was there. Something was different as we talked about random things and our conversation didn’t slow. Something was different in the way you looked at me when you thought I didn’t notice.
Something felt different when you asked me if I wanted to hang out. Something was different when you sat down close to me on the couch. Something was different in your laugh when I told a joke you liked.
And then you kissed me. Looking back I should have seen it, but I was oblivious to how different things had been. And then you smiled. And I felt my cheeks burn red. Yes, something was definitely different. But I am completely fine with it.
She could hear the music as she walked up to the house. The windows were open. People were walking around and talking. She took a deep breathe and opened the door. Here we go. She glided down the hall, making her way to the kitchen talking to friends as she went. There were more people she knew here than she thought. Splash.
“Oh!” She shouted as a cold drink made its way down her side. Some kind of cheap beer by the smell of it. And I just bought this shirt!
“I am so sorry!” A guys voice floated down to her ears. It sounded vaguely familiar. She looked up. Their eyes met. Recognition crossed his face.
“Hey, Haley!” His smile made her insides melt every time, but she hid it well. She smiled back.
“Hey, John,” she looked back down at her ruined cream blouse, then back at him, “guess you didn’t like the shirt?” He chuckled before motioning for her to follow him. Taking a deep breathe she did just that. He led her to a room at the far side of the house and told her to wait for him. She nodded and he disappeared. Oh my word. Deep breathes. It’s fine. It’s just John. You see him at work all the time. The door opened again and he handed her a new shirt. She looked at him puzzled.
“I figured you wouldn’t want to wear a shirt covered in beer the rest of the night so I grabbed a button down from my truck.”
“Thank you, this will definitely be better than a wet shirt.”
“I mean…” his voice trailed off but his eyes finished his sentence. And then I remembered I was in a partially soaking wet cream top. Great. She felt her cheeks turning red, and he obviously noticed too. He grinned again. “I’ll wait for you out side the door.” And with a wink, he turned and closed the door behind him.