He is Our Refuge and Strength

God and I had a good talk tonight. We talked about life and how I felt I was falling short of His plans for me. We talked about my fears and my expectations for myself. We talked about the future and how I felt powerless and weak to face it. A lot of things that I don’t always talk to Him about when I should… Sometimes I think that I can hide my fears and doubts from Him like I do everyone else. But, I am left feeling alone and vulnerable to the temptations and pain that the Devil brings on me. And then I realize that I need Him. I need His strength and His grace and His love and His guidance in this world, lest I drown in it.

In Psalm 46 it says, “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea… God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day… The Lord Almighty is our fortress.”

God, I know I sometimes forget that you are always there for me. I sometimes forget that you are the reason that I am breathing. I sometimes forget that you are the reason I love others with all of my  heart. Lord, I know that I am no where near perfect, and I  know that I am a sinner. But, I thank you for your unfailing love for me. I thank you for the strength you give me, even when I feel as though I am drowning. I thank you for sending your son to die upon the cross and for forgiving my sins. Lord, I give you thanks and ask that you continue to give me strength as I make it through this next week. I pray that you give me peace and patients to make it through school and work. Lord, I pray that you fill my heart and soul with your word. Thank you, Father. Amen.

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I’m so tired. I’m exhausted by trying to keep everyone happy all the time when I can’t even hold myself together anymore. I’m tired of holding my tongue because I’m afraid it’ll drive people away with the truth. But if they run from the truth, then why do I want them in the first place? Why does it hurt so much? It shouldn’t be terrifying to want to be a priority sometimes. Especially when I make others my priority at all times. I’m so tired; I can’t breathe. I feel like my chest is going to explode from this weight sitting on it. And I try to reach out, but those I reach out to just don’t seem to care. So why keep trying?

I’m just so tired.

She Hides it Well

You can’t see them. The cracks that cover her heart. The schisms that formed over time. The pieces that were long ago lost. You can’t even tell they’re there by the smile on her face. You can’t tell the pain they cause her everyday by the encouragement she gives, or the laughter in her voice.

No, you’d never know the emptiness she felt by the lightness in her step. Or how numb she was. The thoughts that drove her to cry herself to sleep the night before, well hidden behind the jokes she told.

What a thought. The girl who works so hard to love everyone, didn’t believe that anyone else cared.

The anxiety and sadness tearing her down – making her believe that she was nothing. Her worth was null and void.

But you’d never know it. She hides it well.

Excerpt of a Book I’ll Probably Never Write XII

She didn’t know where she was going, or what would happen when she got there, but she knew that she had to go. The walls were closing in around her. Her heart and soul being crushed under the falling debris. What else was she supposed to do but run? She looked out over the road ahead of her. Blue skies and green fields rolled by as she made her way farther and farther from everything she knew. And as the miles passed, she felt more weight lift from her shoulders. The pain began to lift bit by bit as she rolled from town to town. Eventually, she even began to sing along with the radio. For the first time in a long time, she felt like herself. And, it felt foreign. She didn’t even recognize herself it had been so long since she hadn’t had to fake a smile, or since she hadn’t cried herself to sleep. She felt free – and she never wanted to go back.

Love is a funny thing, ya know? It can make or break you. It comes and goes. It can either set you free, or lock you in a cage. Sometimes it does everything at once. It can bring every piece of you back to life, or it can leave you to pickup the pieces. It can put a smile on your face, or leave you crying in the dust. What a concept, this thing we call love.

We’re told our whole lives stories of love, of sacrifice, of what we should look for when we’re ready. We watch romantic comedies about two people who probably hate each other and end up falling madly in love. We see action movies of the guy saving the girl. There are fairy tales that we grow up hoping would happen to us. We watch our parents, or grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends all fall in love. And we hope that one day soon, that will be us.

It hard. Love. It’s hard to find, even harder to keep. We often fear it because it can change and grow and shrink and it isn’t easy. Love is something you work for. You don’t just skip through it.

Sometimes it’s hard to even believe in. Like how can two people be so in love and one day it’s just gone? Or how can someone who says they love you, just up and leave? How is that love? And in that case, how can you trust again?

It’s a funny thing… no matter how much we fear it or embrace it… love will always be there. Either just out of reach, or pulling us in.

All or Nothing

Every piece of her ached. All she wanted was him, but he was hot and cold. Some days he wanted her. He wanted them, some days he didn’t. He didn’t want to be seen with her. He didn’t want to be with her. But at the same time, he did. So she stayed because all she wanted was his eyes on her. Her heart melted when he walked in a room. Her day could be made or destroyed by a single word from him… and she was terrified. Because she knew what it was. She knew things wouldn’t change beyond what they were. And so she tried to move on. Against everything her heart was screaming, she tried. And she broke down. Every fiber of her being broke and the idea of not being with him. She couldn’t remember what it felt like not to cry….

I don’t know what I’m doing. I still want him. And I would do most anything for it. But I also know that if things remain the same I’ll break my own heart hoping for something that will never come. Maybe he’s right.. all or nothing. I think the worst part is that I know I would give all if he would have it. But I know that right now… all isn’t an option. So I guess I just have to accept it. I have to accept that a part of me is gone… and I probably won’t get it back.

Tomorrow

We think we have all the time in the world. We wander through life, we leave words unsaid, we act as though we’re promised tomorrow. But we’re not. And we choose to forget that so often. And so we put things off and we don’t worry about doing it today because there’s always tomorrow.

But what if there wasn’t. What if those words left unsaid were never able to be spoken? What if something happened to you or to the other person? What if we put off our dreams just to have them never fulfilled? What if? What then?

Those words, that dream, all of these things, just gone. And no one would even know. All the time in the world, reduced to nothing.

So don’t waste the time you have. Love with all your heart. Dare to tell someone the truth. Tell them the things you’ve hidden for so long. Don’t be afraid. Go after your dreams. Explore the world. Don’t let tomorrow get in your way, because we’re not promised it.