I loved her just a little to late. She was gone by the time I realized. What had I done? It wasn’t what she deserved. It took me too long to show her her worth. I should have told her the truth. I should have put her first. But, I didn’t. I expected her to stay no matter what I did, I never thought that she would go away. I stopped trying to win her after I had her. She put up with my complacency. She kissed me through my indifference. I put my arms around her and just expected her to be there. I never thought that she would leave.
Now shes gone. I showed her my love when hers was long gone. I knew her worth and I didn’t show it. I didn’t give her the attention she deserved.
If I had just said the right words. If I had just gotten her flowers just once. If I had just written her to tell her I loved her. Just once. But its too late.
Its too late.
Don’t walk, run to the bed as you turn off the lights. Wrap the blanket around you tight. Don’t open your eyes. Things live in the dark. Things of nightmares. You can feel the darkness moving all around you. Do you need to get up? Move? They’ll see you. They’re eyes look from under the bed. They’re claws will reach out. Don’t move. Do you hear the creaking around the house? They’re coming. They’re coming for you. Don’t get up. Don’t move. Keep the blankets tight around you. The night goes on. You’re hot. The blankets move, your foot stretches out. You feel a cool grip. It’s coming. Don’t open your eyes. Don’t move. Things of nightmares have you. Fear grips you. You try to move. I told you not to. More are coming. Another grabs you. Your eyes open. I told you not to. Brightness stares into your eyes. Goodnight.
Do you miss me like I miss you?
I miss you like the moon misses the sun.
Like the beach would miss the waves.
Like a musician who lost his hearing misses the music.
Imagine your heart being pierced by a blade, your mind being plagued.
Imagine no longer being able to see the things you loved again.
I wish I could make you miss me as I miss you.
You’re happiness with a heartbeat. A light on rainy afternoons. A smile when I want to frown. You’re a walking contradiction. You act like this, while you talk like that. Your actions speak louder than words. And yet you make sure your words are what is most heard. With them you’re just another person, they bring you down. But you’re stronger, wiser, better. Yet you can’t see it.
Who are you really? Another face in the crowd? A quiet brilliance? Afraid to care? You work hard, and yet you don’t. You stand up for what you care about, yet you let it confuse you. You runaway from confrontation, you’ll pretend it was never there when you come back.
You are afraid of failure. But you still try. Yet even then you don’t make it a priority. Oh you say it is. You may even believe it, but it’s not. You just wait for it to fall in your lap.
Your words are like honey dripping off the tongue. Sweet and delicious, I take them in. I believe them, I trust them. They are coming from you. And yet you turn them on a dime. You back hand them to twist the sweetness out and nothing but bitterness remains.
So who are you?
A light at the end of the tunnel? Sweet words, kindness, strength, intelligence?
Naive? Waiting for things to land in your lap? Fearful to be contradicting in any light?
Who are you?
The human mind is truly the scariest place of all.
I thought about this as I laid in bed one night.
Different thoughts, memories, images, fears, goals, wishes – ebbing and flowing like the waves do for the moon. One thought leaves, as another comes right behind it. Crashing together for a moment and then disappearing into the depth of our minds.
Sometimes the sun shines, it is a perfect day. The waves are calm, you can relax. Nothing is waiting for you as you wade into the memories – into your own thoughts. You aren’t thinking about what is waiting beyond the break of the waves. The abyss isn’t so scary, its not even on our radar.
But, sometimes we lose things in there. We try to forget, to ignore, sometimes we let it eat us alive. Those things that swim around in our minds. They swim around and wait for their perfect moment to attack. And then we are drowning in the abyss.
Like the ocean – unexplored, unknown, full of other things – our minds are confusing, scary. They can help you, and hurt you. They can save you, or destroy you. They can be quiet and calm, or they can be like the crashing waves – waiting to drown you.
The human mind is truly the scariest place of all.
I sat calmly in the tiny interrogation room. The steel walls and concrete floor left a chill in the air. It felt good on my skin. I leaned back in my chair as a tall man dressed in a dark suit strode into the room from the single door to my left. He looked as though he had been up for days. I smiled to myself, I knew why I was here. The man threw a folder on the table in front of me and said, “Open it.” I opened the folder and flipped through the dozens of pictures. There was one from the Boxer Rebellion, Paris in the twenties, Audrey Hepburn at a party, and so many more. I smiled. So many old memories. I picked up one of a man and a woman in front of their antebellum home. On the back it said, Mel and Adam, 1859. The man took it from my hand and held it in front of me. It took everything in me not to laugh at his face, he was trying so hard not to look confused.
“You’re in every single one of these photos.” I smiled at him. Poor guy, he has no idea. He threw the picture back on the table and looked me in the eye. I leaned forward and rested my forearms on its edge.
“Do you have a question for me? Or did you do all of this to give me some old pictures I’m in?” This seemed to shock him. What? Did he think I would deny it? Oh, honey. At least you won’t remember any of this by tomorrow. Finally, he seemed to compose himself enough to ask me a question.
“Who are you?”
Panic. Anxiety. Struggling to breathe as you drown in your own stress and fears. Your heart pounding in your chest like a caged animal.
One moment you’re fine. The world is moving along, and suddenly it turns on a dime. You’re heart betrays you. Your mind shuts down. Your body crumples under your own weight. Pain, in the form of a panic attack courses through you and you can’t function. You just want to move and yet you can’t even move your lips. You lay there.
Oh, will it ever end? When can I breathe again? How can I make my heart calm down?
And every piece of you aches.
But just as quickly as it came, it’s gone. A dull throbbing still makes its way through your chest, but it loosens its grip. Your breathing comes easier. The clouds in your mind begin to clear.
And you sit there trying to gather yourself.
It’s just another day.