I forgot who I am for a while. I knew what was happening, and I ignored it. I left myself behind to try and be something that I am not. I dropped so much of me, to try and be a part of something else. And now its hard to try and find my way back. I never lost my faith – though it did waiver. I never lost my desire to help people – though I stopped taking every chance to do it. I never stopped loving the people around me – but I forgot to show it. I lost myself in someone else. I put them first with everything and I forgot what it was like to do something for me. I forgot what it was like to hold onto God for everything. I was wrong. I was trying to find my worth in this world instead of in the God who loves and cares for me more than someone on this earth. I messed up. But I am here now. Moving forward. Trying to find this balance between the old me and the me I am now and pulling the pieces together. I’m not sure what will happen. I will probably feel more alone than I do now. But I won’t really be alone. I’ll have Him in my heart.
It’s cliche. The words I think to describe how I feel about you; what you mean to me. How can I tell the world that you are my dream and not sound like a cliche? Or does it really matter, I mean, I am utterly in love with you. You make my heart skip a beat when you walk in the room. When your arms circle my waist, suddenly were the only two people in the world. There was a part of me missing before you came along and now it’s filled. Every time you look at me I feel my lips turn into a smile. You are my best friend. My safe place. My home. My forever.
As if that wasn’t cliche enough, my biggest fear is losing you. It terrifies me, actually. It took me this long to find you, to find the person I know that I’m supposed to spend my life with. And, the idea of losing you makes my heart ache.
I love you.
He looked into her eyes as though she were the only one in the world. Everything else simply faded away. Her fears, her past, her stress.. all of it gone when he looked at her. She felt comfortable and safe wrapped in his strong arms. When he spoke, her heart melted at his voice and when he kissed her, the world faded away.
He took her hand and showed her everything she’d been missing. He showed her what love was supposed to be. And he scared her. Not because of what he said or did, but because he was almost to good to be true. No one had ever made her feel so beautiful or so strong. He lifted her up, not because she was perfect, but because he believed in her.
She hoped that she did the same for him. That he knew he was adored and cherished. That he knew she believed in him with all her heart. She told him how intelligent and handsome he was at every turn. There could be a hundred men in a room and she would only have eyes for him.
For someone who doesn’t trust people easily, and who fears getting too attached… he is an anomaly for me.
When he is around I feel safe. His smile pierced through every wall I had. I didn’t have a chance when his eyes met mine, and every part of me melted when our fingers intertwined, swaying to the sound of the music. When his arms wrap around me and his head rests on my own, I can feel my heart beating faster. His laugh is contagious. And, his voice makes my knees go weak. He is strong, and smart. He calls me silly names to put a smile on my face.
I’m not sure where he came from but I do so hope he stays.
God and I had a good talk tonight. We talked about life and how I felt I was falling short of His plans for me. We talked about my fears and my expectations for myself. We talked about the future and how I felt powerless and weak to face it. A lot of things that I don’t always talk to Him about when I should… Sometimes I think that I can hide my fears and doubts from Him like I do everyone else. But, I am left feeling alone and vulnerable to the temptations and pain that the Devil brings on me. And then I realize that I need Him. I need His strength and His grace and His love and His guidance in this world, lest I drown in it.
In Psalm 46 it says, “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea… God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day… The Lord Almighty is our fortress.”
God, I know I sometimes forget that you are always there for me. I sometimes forget that you are the reason that I am breathing. I sometimes forget that you are the reason I love others with all of my heart. Lord, I know that I am no where near perfect, and I know that I am a sinner. But, I thank you for your unfailing love for me. I thank you for the strength you give me, even when I feel as though I am drowning. I thank you for sending your son to die upon the cross and for forgiving my sins. Lord, I give you thanks and ask that you continue to give me strength as I make it through this next week. I pray that you give me peace and patients to make it through school and work. Lord, I pray that you fill my heart and soul with your word. Thank you, Father. Amen.
I’m so tired. I’m exhausted by trying to keep everyone happy all the time when I can’t even hold myself together anymore. I’m tired of holding my tongue because I’m afraid it’ll drive people away with the truth. But if they run from the truth, then why do I want them in the first place? Why does it hurt so much? It shouldn’t be terrifying to want to be a priority sometimes. Especially when I make others my priority at all times. I’m so tired; I can’t breathe. I feel like my chest is going to explode from this weight sitting on it. And I try to reach out, but those I reach out to just don’t seem to care. So why keep trying?
I’m just so tired.
You can’t see them. The cracks that cover her heart. The schisms that formed over time. The pieces that were long ago lost. You can’t even tell they’re there by the smile on her face. You can’t tell the pain they cause her everyday by the encouragement she gives, or the laughter in her voice.
No, you’d never know the emptiness she felt by the lightness in her step. Or how numb she was. The thoughts that drove her to cry herself to sleep the night before, well hidden behind the jokes she told.
What a thought. The girl who works so hard to love everyone, didn’t believe that anyone else cared.
The anxiety and sadness tearing her down – making her believe that she was nothing. Her worth was null and void.
But you’d never know it. She hides it well.