I don’t understand your fear of me. Your fear of being with someone. I don’t understand how hard it is to show someone you care. It scares me, too. Opening up to people is hard, but that’s life. You can either hide behind it or you can put yourself on the line. Just let me in, don’t keep me at arms length.
Its funny ya know? I told myself I wouldn’t let myself get hurt by another guy, but here I am. I was trying so hard to guard my emotions and working to not be seen as some clingy girl that I completely forgot to watch out for myself. I forgot to keep my heart in check and how to be me. I left myself vulnerable to your manipulations and your indifference. You tore down everything in your path that you didn’t like. You made me feel small. You made me feel like I wasn’t worth your time. You had better things to do. I wasn’t a priority. Not even in the top five if we’re being honest. But you were mine. I went out of my way to be there for you. To make you smile. To just hear your voice and be near you for ten minutes. I broke myself down to build you up and you didn’t even notice or maybe you just didn’t care.
Want to hear the kicker? I’m still making excuses up in my mind. I’m still telling them that I am happy. I keep the times I am happy at the forefront of my thought because that is what I want. I want the man that I know you have in you. I want the guy that smiles and laughs without a care. I want the guy that looks at me and tells me I’m his best friend just because he can. I want the guy that pulls me close and tells me I’m beautiful even when I look like a wreck. I want the guy that kisses me and smiles when we pull apart. I know you’re that guy. I see him. That’s the guy I want to be with.
But here I am, tears in my eyes as I try to breathe through this lump in my chest knowing that you don’t care about me like I care about you. Knowing that I miss you and you probably haven’t given me another thought. I go through my day doing just fine until my phone buzzes in my pocket and I nearly fall over trying to check it and I realize how much I hope it’s you. I miss hearing your song and voice.
I feel like the pathetic girl in the movies. And I’m not. I’ve never been that girl. I hate that girl. So I’ll sit here and force myself to calm down. Force myself to not think about it. Force myself to move past my anger and my sadness that’s mingled into every fiber of my being.
I know I’ll be fine.
But right this minute. Right now. I’m not. And I miss you.
Everyone was just arriving as I sat down across from Coincidence. My heart lurched as a smile crossed his lips.
“Look who I ran into,” he winked across the table. We kept running into each other. We kept dancing around the subject. I laughed.
“Oh please, it’s meant to be,” I brushed the hair from my hazel eyes. Fate wasn’t my name for nothing.
I loved her just a little to late. She was gone by the time I realized. What had I done? It wasn’t what she deserved. It took me too long to show her her worth. I should have told her the truth. I should have put her first. But, I didn’t. I expected her to stay no matter what I did, I never thought that she would go away. I stopped trying to win her after I had her. She put up with my complacency. She kissed me through my indifference. I put my arms around her and just expected her to be there. I never thought that she would leave.
Now shes gone. I showed her my love when hers was long gone. I knew her worth and I did nothing. I didn’t give her the attention she deserved.
If I had just said the right words. If I had just gotten her flowers just once. If I had just written her to tell her I loved her. Just once. But its too late.
Its too late.
Don’t walk, run to the bed as you turn off the lights. Wrap the blanket around you tight. Don’t open your eyes. Things live in the dark. Things of nightmares. You can feel the darkness moving all around you. Do you need to get up? Move? They’ll see you. They’re eyes look from under the bed. They’re claws will reach out. Don’t move. Do you hear the creaking around the house? They’re coming. They’re coming for you. Don’t get up. Don’t move. Keep the blankets tight around you. The night goes on. You’re hot. The blankets move, your foot stretches out. You feel a cool grip. It’s coming. Don’t open your eyes. Don’t move. Things of nightmares have you. Fear grips you. You try to move. I told you not to. More are coming. Another grabs you. Your eyes open. I told you not to. Brightness stares into your eyes. Goodnight.
Do you miss me like I miss you?
I miss you like the moon misses the sun.
Like the beach would miss the waves.
Like a musician who lost his hearing misses the music.
Imagine your heart being pierced by a blade, your mind being plagued.
Imagine no longer being able to see the things you loved again.
I wish I could make you miss me as I miss you.
You’re happiness with a heartbeat. A light on rainy afternoons. A smile when I want to frown. You’re a walking contradiction. You act like this, while you talk like that. Your actions speak louder than words. And yet you make sure your words are what is most heard. With them you’re just another person, they bring you down. But you’re stronger, wiser, better. Yet you can’t see it.
Who are you really? Another face in the crowd? A quiet brilliance? Afraid to care? You work hard, and yet you don’t. You stand up for what you care about, yet you let it confuse you. You runaway from confrontation, you’ll pretend it was never there when you come back.
You are afraid of failure. But you still try. Yet even then you don’t make it a priority. Oh you say it is. You may even believe it, but it’s not. You just wait for it to fall in your lap.
Your words are like honey dripping off the tongue. Sweet and delicious, I take them in. I believe them, I trust them. They are coming from you. And yet you turn them on a dime. You back hand them to twist the sweetness out and nothing but bitterness remains.
So who are you?
A light at the end of the tunnel? Sweet words, kindness, strength, intelligence?
Naive? Waiting for things to land in your lap? Fearful to be contradicting in any light?
Who are you?