Excerpt of a Book I’ll Probably Never Write X

“But it’s not the same!” I yelled. frustration got the better of me and I ran my fingers through my hair. 

“What do you mean it’s not the same? You ended it. We’ve been over. It hurt. I’m still working on moving on.” I could see tears forming in her eyes. Damn it, John. Fix this.

“I know. I know I screwed things up, and I’m sorry.” I watched a tear escape and run down her cheek. I reached up and wiped it away. “You’ll never know how sorry I am. That I hurt you. That I left. That it took me this long to realize what I had done.” My voice trailed off a moment.

“Damn it, Ann. I still love you.” The words came out in a huff and her eyes widened, probably unsure what to think. “Everyday I wake up and I miss you. And I know we’re not enemies, we talk here and there, but I keep expecting you to come bouncing in my room telling me about your day. Or, for you to text me complaining about work.” She looked away, and then at the ground. I kept going.

“I’ve torchered myself since I ended it. I’ve tried to move on, but every time I go out all I can think is that she isn’t you. Her laugh isn’t right, her smile isn’t as bright. She doesn’t point out every dog that walks by us.” She looked up, a smile smile crossed her tear stained face. 

“I don’t know if I can keep up this charade anymore.” My voice sounded rushed, even to me. It was hard to catch my breathe. Breathe, idiot. “I don’t just want you in my life, I need you. You know me better than I know myself and I miss that.” I took her hands into mine and pulled her a step closer to me. Our faces and bodies only inches away. 

“I’m so sorry, Ann. Please, forgive me.” There. I said what I needed to. The ball is in her court. She looked up at me with her big hazel eyes. Her blonde hair falling just her left one, it always did that. Her eyes looking searchingly into mine. She was thinking. Forming her words in her mind before she spoke. 

“John,” The way she said it made my heart shatter. “John,” she said again a little quieter. “I will always love you. Always. I can’t imagine the day you won’t have some piece of me.” She took a deep breathe as I held mine. “And I miss you. I still think about you. I still wish that -” she shook her head before continuing. “You broke up with me. You ended things because you were afraid. You still had some growing up to do. I did, too.” Don’t say it, Ann. Please. I silently begged. 

“I think you still have some growing up to do.” The words felt like daggers through my chest. “And I’m still working on me.” She slipped her hands from mine and laid one on my chest. “I’m sorry, John.” She took a step back. “I just think if we ever try it again, that will be it for us. No more chances, nogoing back. We get one more chance, and I don’t think we’re ready.” With that she got up on her tiptoes and kissed my cheek. Tears rolled down her face as the woman I loved walked away, and all I could think was how I wish I hadn’t walked away in the first place.

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