Today

I wake up and I feel it. I still cry myself to sleep. Every piece of me breaks into a million pieces everyday. And, it’s killing me. I can feel the world falling away under my feet. I can feel my heart breaking more every time I wake up. When I stop for more than a few seconds, you still take up my thoughts. How are you? Are you doing okay? How is your family? Do you even miss me? I still cry myself to sleep some nights. Some days I’m sitting there and suddenly, without a warning, I feel them coming. My eyes burning with tears waiting to fall. I feel my chest tighten and my stomach clench in pain. And it feels like I’m still sitting across from you hearing your words for the first time. Sometimes I start to tell a story and then I have to stop because I remember you were there. Someone asked me my favorite memory and your face in the library filled my mind. 

But I’m doing okay. As long as I’m busy I’m okay. As long as I don’t think about it, I’m okay. 

But I miss you. I miss you when something good happens and realize I can’t tell you. I miss you when I have a bad day and all I want is to be in your arms. I miss you. 

But I think the worst part is knowing how much I still love you. Knowing that you probably don’t feel it anymore. And wishing that I didn’t feel like this. Sometimes the pain is too much. I can’t breathe. The walls closing in. And all I can think is that I still love you. And then I just feel pathetic. Naive. Ridiculous. 

I know one day things will get better. I know one day I won’t feel this pain when your name crosses my mind. But it’s not today. Today I miss you. Today the tears keep falling. Today I just wish I could forget.

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